and she was petting her beer can
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
