a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
