I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
