Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
