you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Randomize
