Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
