Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
