I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
