Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
