i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
