Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
