it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
