Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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