just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
