Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
