I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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