plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
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You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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