So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
