If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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