New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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