U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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