Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
