All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
