Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just had sex on a roof
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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