my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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