Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
