in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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