When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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