my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
