So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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