Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
