My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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