Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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