Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone came in the potted fern
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
