So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
