fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Randomize
