i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
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