Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
