Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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