Screwed.edu
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
