I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
