I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
