It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
