I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
