Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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