If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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