We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
