She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
