the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
