look no pants
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
