I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
