is your mom at the bar?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
