I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
