If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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