you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
