Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Found the puke drawer
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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