too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
