I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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