But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
everyone is single if you try hard enough
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
