Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
All I want is dick and wine.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
