How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
