Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
