I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
