cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
